We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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