I'm laying in your front yard are you home
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
