theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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