I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
