things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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