If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
