i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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