Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
