forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His hands were made for my vagina.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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