If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
