So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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