Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
