Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
