Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
