One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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