I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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