Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
