I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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