just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
my liver is dry heaving
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
