im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize