I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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