Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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