So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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