That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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