Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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