I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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