I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize