No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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