I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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