Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
