guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
