I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
