If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
