i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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