I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
