he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize