im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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