Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
