Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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