Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize