Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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