you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
