420 ftw
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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