Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
