And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
