somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
