i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize