I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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