if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
