He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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