omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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