I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
