Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
