I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
