dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You are a genius and a whore.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
