i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Pants are for mortals
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
