tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
