So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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