Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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