So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
