I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
