I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
